Don't Call Me Sir

I'm always amazed when I come across something unfamiliar to me that millions of other people are already aware of and have been for years. Kind of like Mumford and Sons, healthy eating, or the double-slit experiment. Anyway, today I happened to learn of Sir Terence David John Terry Pratchett.

Pratchett, who goes by Terry, or Sir, was the number one selling author in the UK during the 90's. He is currently the second most-read author in the UK (totally guessing number one might be JK Rowling but I didn't have the energy to look it up after reading over 700 Pratchett quotes). Pratchett is the seventh most-read non U.S. author in the U.S. and I had never heard of him. He writes fantasy books (those people in the UK dig that sorcery stuff) and is pretty damn funny. I truly believe I could reply to every post on Facebook using a Pratchett quote, he echoes my sentiments on so many subjects. He has dethroned Jack Handy on my list of comedic favorites when it comes to making me laugh in just a few lines and he brings such depth to the table.

Below I have provided some of my favorite quotes from Pratchett, most of them were taken from many of the books he has authored...

"Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one."


"In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded."


"I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it." 


"No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?"


"God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time."


"There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist." 


"I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel." 


"The whole of life is just like watching a film. Only it's as though you always get in ten minutes after the big picture has started, and no-one will tell you the plot, so you have to work it out all yourself from the clues."




"This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic."


"The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it." 


"Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being sought. It always defeats order, because it is better organized."


"Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.
Elves are marvellous. They cause marvels.
Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.
Elves are glamorous. They project glamour.
Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.
Elves are terrific. They beget terror.
The thing about words is that meanings can twist just like a snake, and if you want to find snakes look for them behind words that have changed their meaning.
No one ever said elves are nice.
Elves are bad." 


"Gods prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight To Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god's idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs."


"There isn't a way things should be. There's just what happens, and what we do." 


"A European says: I can't understand this, what's wrong with me? An American says: I can't understand this, what's wrong with him?
I make no suggestion that one side or other is right, but observation over many years leads me to believe it is true."


"The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?" 


"Seeing, contrary to popular wisdom, isn't believing. It's where belief stops, because it isn't needed any more." 


"The enemy isn't men, or women, it's bloody stupid people and no one has the right to be stupid." 


"The intelligence of that creature known as a crowd is the square root of the number of people in it." 


"Many people could say things in a cutting way, Nanny knew. But Granny Weatherwax could listen in a cutting way. She could make something sound stupid just by hearing it."


"Lots of people would be as cowardly as me if they were brave enough." 


"What's a philosopher?' said Brutha.
Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head." 


"Perhaps it would be simpler if you just did what you're told and didn't try to understand things." 


"If you trust in yourself, and believe in your dreams, and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy."


"There's a door."
"Where does it go?"
"It stays where it is, I think."


"Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care." 


"Open your eyes and then open your eyes again."


"A good plan isn't one where someone wins, it's where nobody thinks they've lost."


"Sometimes the truth is arrived at by adding all the little lies together and deducting them from the totality of what is known."


"My name is immaterial,' she said.
That's a pretty name,' said Rincewind."


"Strength enough to build a home,
Time enough to hold a child,
Love enough to break a heart"


"You know how to pray, don’t you? Just put your hands together and hope."


"When you can flatten entire cities at a whim, a tendency towards quiet reflection and seeing-things-from-the-other-fellow's-point- of-view is seldom necessary." 


"And sin, young man, is when you treat people like things."


"There was no himself in himself." 


"Seeing things a human shouldn't have to see makes us human."


"The dwarfs can turn lead into gold...
It reached the pointy ears of the dwarfs.
-Can we?
-Damned if I know. I can't.
-Yeah, but if you could, you wouldn't say. I wouldn't say, if I could.
-Can you?
-No!
-Ah-ha!"


"Prisoner: I get it, good cop, bad cop, eh?
Vimes: If you like, but we’re a bit short-staffed today, so if I give you a cigarette, would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?