Part two of a three part series
I know he never knew it, but one of my best friends provided me with the tools to view myself, and what I am, in an entirely different way than I was used to for the majority of my life. It was just a simple suggestion, nothing profound. "Turn up the speed to hyper," he said. Those words would eventually open up an entirely new world, even universe, for me a few years later.
The concept of consciousness is an enigma of sorts. It's truly impossible to find a universal definition of what it is. I have spent hundreds, probably thousands, of hours reading about the subject and this is my favorite quote about consciousness ...
The having of perceptions, thoughts, and feelings; awareness. The term is impossible to define except in terms that are unintelligible without a grasp of what consciousness means. Many fall into the trap of equating consciousness with self-consciousness—to be conscious it is only necessary to be aware of the external world. Consciousness is a fascinating but elusive phenomenon: it is impossible to specify what it is, what it does, or why it has evolved. Nothing worth reading has been written on it. ~ Stuart Sutherland
Although I don't agree completely with this assessment, I do think it perfectly encompasses everything about the subject matter. "Nothing worth reading" is a bit harsh but it's closer to the truth than fiction. It's actually because of the impossibility of writing anything worthwhile on the subject that I opted to do the setup piece. I needed to explain that by writing about consciousness, specifically self consciousness, and free will I wasn't attempting to bring anything new to the table that hasn't been presented for thousands of years. I wasn't attempting to convince anyone else I was right. I wasn't attempting to explain what these things are in reality. I was merely attempting to share my journey and relationship with these ideas and what they mean to mean. With that in mind I needed to share a little about me in the setup that would make the reading more meaningful and understandable.
Rock Band is a music game. There are several different ways to play it: singing, drumming, guitaring, keyboarding. Although I dabble in a little bit of everything, my true love when playing the game is the guitar. It's nothing like playing a real guitar and I'm under no illusion it's the same thing. Basically, the notes rain down on the screen in the form of different colors and the player is tasked with hitting the right color at the right time and strumming the plastic piece that represents all of the strings of the real instrument. Even though I don't feel like I'm playing a guitar, I do feel connected to the music. The song doesn't flow and sound right if I don't do my part.
It was the first video game, maybe any type of game, that I played that wasn't competitive for me. It was all about simply enjoying the experience. I totally admit I can understand how it can look foolish for a 40+ year old man to be playing a fake guitar to a video game from the outside,but from the inside it eventually became a very spiritual experience for me.
I have a few friends that also play the game but not many. And of those that do none of them really take on the guitar part of the game. One of my close friends, that has passed away, found the guitar to be his instrument of choice. He played the game on the top difficulty level and we would share experiences about different songs and what we thought about them. I can remember talking to him about a song that was giving me problems and he asked about the speed the notes were coming down on the screen. I told him I had the difficulty set to expert, the same as him. He asked if I was aware of a setting that would actually speed up the notes. This seemed incredibly bizarre to me because the difficulty I was having was trying to catch up to the notes in the first place. He must have meant I could find this setting and turn down the speed. "Turn up the speed to hyper," he recommended. I asked if that meant what I thought it meant and he assured me it did.
Long before I came across Rock Band I had been searching out the notion of enlightenment. Even though I found it extremely exciting, I was always frustrated because they would never get to the point. I just wanted to read the magic words that explained how to obtain Nirvana and they would never come. The recipes always described quietness and truth and reflection but they never explained them in exact measurements and they never told you exactly what you were cooking, only that you would know you were successful if it tasted good when you were done. They then go on to confuse the issue by telling you that you can actually never be done cooking, it's a never ending slow roast. Feel free to take a test bite every now and then. If it taste good then keep cooking.
I'm very practical when it comes to my happiness. I don't complicate it at all. As I mentioned in the first piece, I break things down when trying to understand them and then only put back in place the necessary components. When I was approaching thirty years old I happened to be facing some personal trials. It was the first time in my life I would lay in bed and not sleep because thoughts were racing through my mind. Soon the thoughts weren't my preoccupation, but thoughts about the thoughts controlling me were my interest. I realized I couldn't control the thoughts that would enter my head. They would just show up and I didn't know where they came from. I certainly didn't want them to enter my head, what I wanted was to sleep. It did seem, however, that I was in control of how long I focused on those thoughts once they entered my head.
There is a tactic most males learn to use when they are first gaining experience in the sexual arena. When a woman orgasms that's a wonderful thing but, in most cases, it's not the end of the game. The males role in the production, in most cases, is to keep the scene going on a little longer so all of the actors can enjoy their parts. If he just enters the stage, blurts out his lines, and disregards the script all together then he probably won't receive many curtain calls. When the male is young, and sometimes even older, that is a hard task to accomplish. One thing the male does to become a better partner is actually think about something else other than the sex he is currently engaging in. And when I say something else, I mean something completely different that has nothing to do with sex at all. This may all seem a little silly but it was because of this skill I had developed, sidetracking my thoughts, that I was able to eventually get a good night's sleep at a time in my life where I was facing difficulties and needed rest the most.
I decided that I would immediately think of something else when a troubling thought entered my head. Obviously, this took time to work. It was a form of conditioning. With discipline I discovered I could actually train my brain to recognize laying down as a time to shut down and not a time to get my attention. To this very day I sleep like a baby (when I say baby I mean a good baby that sleeps all night, not one of those cry babies that keeps everyone up all night).I take my happiness very seriously. I won't be a victim of chance when it comes to enjoying this ride if I can help it. Things popping into my head without my say so is chance. If my sleep, which plays a part in my happiness, is left to chance then my happiness is partially left to chance. This didn't seem like a necessary component to put back in place so I didn't. I require very little sleep and my friends can attest to this fact. When my head hits the pillow I spend no more than a couple of minutes falling to sleep. I sleep great. I'm human and I have problems just like everyone else. I have things that could keep me up at night if I allowed them to, but I don't.
I didn't know it at the time but that sleeping technique I created for myself was probably my first experience with "quietness". And it was something I would experience everyday of my life from that moment on, a little slice of Nirvana. It wasn't until I began to experience more "quiet" time later in my life that I began to put the pieces together. It seems odd that a tactic of thinking of a different thought than the one that first entered my mind would ultimately lead to no noise at all, but that's exactly what happened. My thought was just meant to be a distraction to my other thought, not something I really cared to think about. Eventually the original thought just gave up and I no longer needed to generate a thought to battle the other thought. It was now quiet when I went to bed. There were no thoughts at all. I was awake still but there was no internal dialogue taking place. It's an unfamiliar place, even when you've been there before. But it's a place you always yearn to visit again; it's surprisingly peaceful.
Even though I was unaware of any of this at the time I was devising a tactic to get sound sleep, it seems clear now I was observing thoughts in my head that were just that, thoughts. They weren't me, they were just thoughts. The me wanted to sleep and the thoughts got in the way. I say I created another thought to counter the unwanted thought but a better description would be like imagining you trying to say something to me and me saying mah na mah na (like the Muppets), mah na mah na, mah na mah na over and over again just to make noise and show you I'm not listening to you. I'm not really saying anything, nor do I have a point to my words other than to show you it's pointless for you to continue. So who was I in the sleep drill? I wasn't the thought that popped into my head and kept me awake. I created a thought (or so it seems) to distract the other thought but I'm not really that thought. I'm the thing observing this battle. When I later understood this and could view all thoughts in this fashion then I truly was on the verge of controlling my overall happiness at a substantial level.
Years after my trying situation my worries in life were of much less magnitude. The biggest concern I was facing about five years ago was how to play the really tough songs on Rock Band without struggling so much. The advice given to me by my friend was very counterintuitive. The notes were already coming at me so fast I couldn't play them and he wanted them to come at me faster. It's like starting another conversation on top of a conversation to create quietness.
I followed his advice and cranked up the speed. This one goes to Hyper. At first it was even more difficult. However, over time it did make things easier. Eventually I conquered songs that I couldn't finish before speeding up the notes. But why?
I'm pretty sure my buddy that made the recommendation didn't catapult his experience into an enlightened approach to life, but I am very confident he understood the tactic he was using when he opted to have the notes sped up. He was creating silence. He didn't have time to think about things; he just had time to react. There were no thoughts in his head when he was playing, at least not when he was playing well and "in the zone". We've all experienced these moments throughout our life. We see others experience them, especially in the sporting arena. They don't even have to be monumental feats. They are just those moments where you can't do anything wrong and you know the second you start thinking about what you're doing then you're going to screw it all up. Those that have achieved great things have made that moment last longer than our normal experiences.
I had played the game for a long time and had peaked out. I followed the advice and I discovered the silence my friend must have discovered. The game eventually became a tool to measure my "in synchness" with the universe. There are songs that I can absolutely play to perfection when I can clear my head, when I can let reality come at me and I just roll with it and do what I do. However, I can play the same songs on different days and find difficulty in certain spots. At this point in the process I can tell when those days are without even playing the game. I can sense when my thoughts are trying to dictate my reality and refuse to remain silent. It is at these moments when I find myself most out of synch with the universe, my energy. I now can use the game as a therapy session to feel a more positive energy and experience a sense of harmony with everything and clear my head of all the thoughts that have created this negative vibe. The vibe doesn't exist anywhere except inside my head. I know this to be true.
There are many gaps in the story of how I got from there to here. That was intended. Filling in the gaps is pointless and won't provide any more clarity. However, I'm quite happy to talk about where here happens to be for me at this point in my life. Here is a place that allows me see that I am not simply the thoughts in my head. Even when those thoughts don't exist I am still here. I am now able to get to a quiet place with a lot more frequency. It is here that makes me happy.
I know this place is hard to understand for most people. I know that even those that can grasp the idea of quietness can't apply it in a real or practical way to their lives. On top of that, most people don't think they would want to even after they say they understand it. If they ever experienced the silence I'm confident they wouldn't feel that way any longer. I'm also very confident most people will never do anything more than leave their happiness to chance.
For several years of my life I believed in Santa Claus. I'm sure my experience of discovering this was a hoax to control my naughty and niceness was similar to most. At the end of the day, even though there is initial shock and disappointment from this new reality, one is left with a feeling of liberation, even at a very young age. For many years of my life I believed in God. When those thoughts were no longer who I was and served as the controlling principle in my life I, again, felt liberated. Longer than I held any of those thoughts about what I was and how my life functioned, I held the thought that I was my thoughts. Again I was liberated when I discovered the hoax. Every day I wake up and put the necessary pieces into to place to experience this journey and I feel no need to put any of these things back into the equation. They complicate things.
My motivation for believing the universe is how it is isn't due to wishful thinking. If I could have it my way it would be a way different place. I simply seek to find out how it is so I can have the best experience possible. The more I learn about my place in the universe and what I am then the more likely I can eliminate things others leave to chance when it comes to happiness.
The opening lines from the movie Adaptation summarize my thoughts on the sense of self...
Charlie Kaufman - Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier, my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way overdue. If I stop putting things off, I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat I would be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more, improve myself. What if I learned Russian or something? Or took up an instrument? I could speak Chinese. I'd be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that? Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly though. Nothing's gonna change that.
These lines found a little later in the movie are a teaser on my journey with free will ...
John Laroche - Look, I'll tell you a story, all right? I once fell deeply, you know, profoundly in love with tropical fish. Had 60 goddamn fish tanks in my house. I skin dived to find just the right ones. Anisotremus virginicus, Holdacanthus ciliaris, Chaetodon capistratus. You name it. Then one day I say, "fuck fish". I renounce fish. I vow never to set foot in that ocean again. That's how much "fuck fish".
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