What A Fool Believes

I love when someone starts a sentence in this fashion .... "I would like to believe..."

It's like it triggers an automatic shutdown mode to my listening system. In my constant quest to become the most complete person I can be I've decided to confront my phobia of this phrase and simply embrace it. 

Here goes...

I would like to believe the more I push down on the gas pedal the better gas mileage I get.

I would like to believe photos of me make me look fat.

I would like to believe Fox News is some type of elaborate Colbert Report prank.

I would like to believe if really rich people got their hands on money they wouldn't take it offshore and would invest it in the country that allowed them to acquire it.

I would like to believe people are inherently evil and can't possibly be good unless some type of divine intervention takes place.

I would like to believe my Xbox won't red ring until the next generation gaming console is released.

I would like to believe there is a woman out there that really, truly, at every level gets me and would still have sex with me.

I would like to believe in a country of 300 plus million people we would have a hard time deciding on who we are voting for because they are both so good. 

I would like to believe I choose what I would like to believe.

I would like to believe when I die I don't really die and actually get to live for eternity and hang out with everyone I ever knew.

I would like to believe when something bad happens it really only happens for some incredibly mysterious reason that will ultimately lead to something that will bring me gigantic amounts of joy.

I would like to believe it will soon be discovered Big Macs lower the chances of heart disease.

I would like to believe people see me post links to my blog and actually click on the link.

I would like to believe private industries will naturally do the right thing and never need regulation or oversight.

I would like to believe the world is black and white and the answers are always crystal clear.

I would like to believe there was an instruction booklet for life that is infallible.

I would like to believe when I look down and see my fly unzipped that it just occurred moments before I discovered it.

I would like to believe when people say "field gold" to describe a football traveling through the goalposts that I'm just hearing them wrong.

I would like to believe every single network and news organization are colluding together to dumb down the country except for the one channel I watch.

I would like to believe when I find a hair in my food that it was probably just mine.

I would like to believe there could be one awesome final little quip to offer that would allow this piece to wrap up perfectly.