"Where are my keys? Where would I have put them? I only put them in a couple of places and they're not there. When was the last time I had them? Did I lock my truck with them? Did I leave them in my truck? Did I turn my truck off? Dude, you're freaking out. You have never left your truck on accidentally. You're right, but where are my keys? They have to be in my truck. Why would they be in my truck? I don't know but I at least have to go check to make sure. They're in your hand. Hah! They are in my hand. That's funny shit. Weren't they in your hand the last time you went through this? Yes. Then why don't you start by looking in your hand? Well, when I get the feeling that I can't find my keys I suppose some internal mechanism just assumes I've already ruled out my keys are in my hand. You should check your hand first next time."
***
"Switch it to channel two and see what song is on. It's One by Metallica. I really like this song. Switch it over to channel four and see if there's a better song on. I really like this song. I think I'm in the mood to hear it. It's coming up to my favorite part ... Landmine has taken my sight, taken my speech, taking my hearing ... Yeah, but just switch over really quick and see if it's a better song, if it's not just switch back. Ok, I switched and it was a commercial, happy? Switch to five. I just switched and it was a commercial. I really like this song and I'm going to listen to it. Common, just switch to five real quick. Oh, it's the Pina Colada song. It's actually called Escape and it's by Rupert Holmes. No one ever knows the name of that song and they've never even heard of Rupert Holmes. I always share this information with anyone standing near when this song comes on. It makes me feel smart. Leave it on this channel and let's listen to this song. I really think I like One better than Escape so I'm leaning toward switching back. Yeah, but you hear One more often than the Pina Colada song so you should stay on this channel and just listen to it. I think I'm going to switch back and at least listen to the good part of the song ... Taken my arms, taken my legs, taken my soul ... Ok, do that and then switch back to the Pina Colada song when that part is over. Sounds good, I'll do that. Real quick, before you do that switch to six. No way. Just do it. It's TOOL. Good call. Damn, I missed almost all of this song."
***
"You need to find an atm and get some cash. There's one over there. I don't like that one. Why not? It's hard to reach, I have to open my door to get to it. Just go over there and use it to save time. See how I have to open my door? This is bullshit. Do they not test for stuff like this when installing these things? Four dollar transaction fee! Fuck that. No way. Two bucks is fucking nuts but I'm used to it. Four bucks is ridiculous. I can't pay four bucks. Fuck them. If you don't make a stand now then this shit will never stop. Cancel this transaction. Flip off the camera. Keep on keepin' on."
***
"Man I'm tired. I'm almost asleep. Don't think anymore thoughts. That was the last thought to go through your head. Shut it down. Sleep. (LOUD, HUGE, BANGING, BLAST SOUND) What the fuck was that? I don't know, did you imagine it? Imagine a huge bang noise that jarred me out of the early stages of sleep? Yeah, did you imagine it? I don't think so. Well then what was it? I don't know. Well what could have made that noise? A huge piece of metal falling on top of an aluminum surface. Maybe a very large firecracker. Exactly, none of that just happened. You imagined it. I imagined a noise. Yeah, I think so. Kind of like when you're just falling asleep and your body does that jerky move like your chair tilted back too far and it wakes you up. Yeah, but everyone does that, not everyone wakes themselves up with imaginary noises. Deal with it."
***
"What did that guy just say? I don't know, I didn't catch that last part. Rewind it. Life doesn't have TiVo dude. Oh yeah, I forgot."
***
"How in the world could that kid want to wear his pants like that? I know it's in fashion and it makes him cool and it makes him fit in. But, seriously, how could he wear them like that? Well, you're paranoid about your crack showing so that's probably why you feel like that. That has nothing to do with it. I think it does, it's your shadow talking to you. You hate thinking about the idea of your ass crack showing so you despise the fact these kids wear their pants below their ass. Totally not it at all. Then what is it? It's the fact their pants are drooping below their ass, they have to hold them up with one of their hands when they're walking around. How in the world could they want to do that? Shadow, dude."
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