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Republican Presidential Hopefuls Boycott Superbowl

by

Barry Blue

This Sunday Super Bowl XLVI (that's 46 for those of you that believe in English only numbers) takes place in Indiana. Yesterday Indiana became the 23rd state to pass "right to work" legislation, essentially an act of busting up labor unions. Governor Daniels stated it was important to pass such legislation in order to bring jobs to the state.

In late July of last year the NFL ended its lockout by coming to terms with its players. One of those terms was the players reestablish their players union that had been decertified when the lockout began in March of 2011. To be clear, the term was issued by the owners; they demanded the 1,900 players in the league vote to put their union back in place. Ironically, two of the most active owners in helping end the labor dispute will be facing off in the Super Bowl this weekend: Robert Kraft of the Patriots and John Mara of the Giants. 

Kraft receiving a hug from Jeff Saturday while accompanied by Players Association Chief DeMaurice Smith (the black guy, of course)

The Indiana primary doesn't take place until May 8th, Puerto Rico's primary takes place earlier, but the Republican Presidential field wants to make sure (Indianans? Indians? Indianapolitans?) Hoosiers know how they feel about unions. Here are what some of the candidates had to say about the most watched event in the history of the world taking place this Sunday:

Newt Gingrich, while holding a press conference at the Bunny Ranch, stated, "The NFL stands for Nazi Fascists Liberals. We are at war with any group that succeeds by allowing revenue sharing and supports unions. Totally unpatriotic and right after I'm elected, but before I attend any 'I control the world balls', I will repeal the NFL and everything it stands for."

Mitt Romney assured voters he thought it was alright for the league to make whatever rules they wanted to make, and if he were the Commissioner of the NFL he would have unions and revenue sharing, but if he were President of the United States he wouldn't think that would be a good policy for the federal government. When asked what he would doing during the Super Bowl airing Romney added, "This Saturday afternoon my wife of 42 years and our five children will be hunting squirrel and singing America The Beautiful until the game is completed." 

Santorum stated, "Besides the socialist regime of the NFL, the deeper problem is the moral decline witnessed in the locker room. Grown men walking around in jock straps, patting each other on the ass, rubbing up against each other, smiling, having a good time, bodies all sweaty and buffed out, it's disgusting. No wonder homos think they can marry each other. When I am President I will do the conservative thing and the Christian thing and make a Constitutional Amendment outlawing such pornography on television." When asked if he would participate in the boycott like the other candidates he quipped, "I'll probably just watch it for the commercials but I swear to God I will close my eyes when they show the guys in the locker room, half naked, with their dongs dangling down low to the ground, jumping on one another in total excitement."

Paul's camp released a statement on the wire that read, "What's good for the goose is good for the barber and mama always liked spinach pie. Go Tallahassee." 

When asked about the fact the Super Bowl will generate $3.5 million a minute in television ads, lead to the purchase of 1.25 billion wings and 71 million avocados, bring thousands of people to the area increasing revenue by the millions to the city, the candidates each had this to say:

Newt said, "That's just a nonsense question and totally lame stream media at it's finest. This is our last chance to save the world. If Romney wins then Obama will be President again and the world will be taken over by the Europeans. People will get their medical bills paid for, enjoy eight weeks of vacation a year, and move their foreign grandmothers into our churches. China owns the moon and Russia has a base on Nibiru. This is your last chance to save the world, vote for me or live a miserable existence. Reagan, Reagan, Reagan, Reagan. Nancy Reagan loves me."

Romney said, "Those numbers, the ones where all the records are set this year, the ones where more people spend more money than ever before, the ones where more people make money at any other time in the history of the Super Bowl, just show how bad Obama really is. Our navy would be bigger if he cared more about freedom than avocados. Ten million people wouldn't be losing their job each day like they are now under Obama. Six million kids wouldn't die every minute like they are now under Obama. A car wouldn't explode every four seconds for no reason like they do now under Obama. The Illuminati wouldn't control MSNBC like they do now under Obama. Obama has his priorities in the wrong place and those numbers prove it."

Santorum said, "When the deal was reached in July of 2011 the leader of the Players Union stated, 'we didn't get everything that either side wanted but we did arrive at a deal we think is fair and balanced.' That is exactly the kind of mentality we can't have. These guys compromised and worked together to come up with a plan to make the NFL better. That was the beginning of their moral decline. They treated the blocks like white people. And by blocks I mean blocks. I know it sounds like I mean black people but I really mean blocks. The blocks weren't willing to wait in line to get rich. The blocks just wanted to go from slavery to being rich, that's not how it works here in America. But I have nothing against black people. I just don't like block people."

Early polling shows a giant ratings boosts to all candidates in states with a direction in their title, where Jerry Springer is watched more than sports (excluding NASCAR), and more people have experienced an alien abduction moment than have graduated high school. More coverage when it unfolds.