Sunday, December 30, 2012

If You Like Pina Coladas

I have this constant inner battle with what to share publicly and what to keep private. I never get involved in changing my relationship status because I just don't feel like sharing that information. I do date and I have been in relationships. I'm pretty simple, very simple, but that makes me quite complicated to others. Some call it selfishness. 

Anyway, I've written pieces in the past just so I could reference them or use them in the future (that's not very "now" of me, is it?). This is my Rupert Holmes piece for any future companion. It's my own little checklist that has eliminated every potential mate for the first 42 years. 

"It is possible to live happily in the here and now. So many conditions of happiness are available—more than enough for you to be happy right now. You don't have to run into the future in order to get more." ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there." ~ Rumi

"Sometimes, when you've a very long street ahead of you, you think how terribly long it is and feel sure you'll never get it swept. And then you start to hurry. You work faster and faster and every time you look up there seems to be just as much left to sweep as before, and you try even harder, and you panic, and in the end you're out of breath and have to stop--and still the street stretches away in front of you. That's not the way to do it.

You must never think of the whole street at once, understand? You must only concentrate on the next step, the next breath, the next stroke of the broom, and the next, and the next. Nothing else." ~ Michael Ende


“I'm simply saying that there is a way to be sane. I'm saying that you can 
get rid of all this insanity created by the past in you. Just by being a simple 
witness of your thought processes. 

It is simply sitting silently, witnessing the thoughts, passing before you. 
Just witnessing, not interfering not even judging, because the moment you 
judge you have lost the pure witness. The moment you say “this is good, this is bad,” you have already jumped onto the thought process. 

It takes a little time to create a gap between the witness and the mind. Once the gap is there, you are in for a great suprise, that you are not the mind, that you are the witness, A watcher." ~ Osho


“The world is filled with love-play, from animal lust to sublime compassion.” ~ Alan Wilson Watts

“When you catch yourself slipping into a pool of negativity, notice how it derives from nothing other than resistance to the current situation.” ~ Donna Quesada 

“Who we are now is all that really matters.” ~ Amy Joy

“A student, filled with emotion and crying, implored, "Why is there so much suffering?"
Suzuki Roshi replied, "No reason.”  ~ Shunryu Suzuki


"It is better to travel well than to arrive." ~ Buddha

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~ Nietzsche

"Sitting quietly, doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself." ~ Gary McLain

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." ~ Charlotte Joko Beck

“In most of our human relationships, we spend much of our time reassuring one another that our costumes of identity are on straight.” ~ Ram Dass

“I'm not interested in being a "lover." I'm interested in only being love.” ~ Ram Dass







Be Here Now

I grew up a Cowboys fan. I believe fantasy football and free agency played a role in my loyalty fading over the years, but I suspect my approach toward life in my later years is the biggest contributor.

I pretty much enjoy all sports. The NBA drives me nuts but I still find myself amazed at the athletic ability of these gigantically tall men.  But, the NFL is my favorite of all sports to watch. It truly is our modern day gladiator type event. The stadiums are enormous and are always packed with cheering fans.

I have huge respect for these men because I know how hard the sport was on my fit body when I was in my late teens. It hobbled me every Saturday morning and that was when I didn't get hurt. These guys are much older and playing against guys that can generate much harder collisions than we could in high school. The players in the NFL are very bright guys when it comes to their profession. It's a complicated job and one that demands tactic, precision, and execution.

I've mentioned this many times before but I must say it again for this piece: I try very hard to live in the now. This has lead me to not really identify with a specific team or be a hardcore fan like I used to be. I enjoy the moment and the things that are happening in the now. I found wanting things and outcomes to end the way I wanted them to end disrupted my happiness at times.

It seems I now find myself partial to situations more than long term commitments. I like certain players more than I like certain teams. Same is true for coaches. I gravitate toward the really smart ones. I enjoy the underdog story or the guy that is taking an opportunity and making the most of it. I find joy in the unexpected or the bizarre. I am amazed at the beauty and grace and artistry that takes place at any given moment. None of it hinges on anything I need or desire to happen. No outcome can distract from my happiness.

The Cowboys will play the Redskins tonight for the NFC East title. The winner goes on to the playoffs and the loser goes home. Two rival teams to boot. Couldn't be a better ending to the regular season. I predict a Cowboys win for no other reason than almost all of the analysts have chosen the Redskins, that's usually good enough to pick a winner in the NFL.

I am still fond of the Cowboys and can't shake my relationship with my ego completely. Part of me hopes they win the game, but a much bigger part of me is happy either way and truly won't be disappointed with any outcome. If we just judge the moment and nothing else then what a great moment.

I've had this type of discussion with some friends and a common response I encounter is, "That might all be true but I like rooting for my team and it brings me great joy when they win." I can't deny that. However, I do know that kind of happiness relies on events out of one's control. I also know when the undesired outcomes transpire then the odds of happiness are very much diminished.

The objection is a staple to any counter to the ego. The experience of self will always want to stay in existence if given a choice. The only thing I can offer is my experience and I have tried it both ways. I've tried to like diet soda really hard to no avail. I've tried to stop chewing tobacco. I've tried to get off my couch and run around the block a few times. In the end, I stick with what brings me the most joy.


Thursday, December 20, 2012

My Friend: David C. Moyer

I don't know the exact date, I'm guessing it was sometime last year, when David C. Moyer and I became friends on Facebook. I suppose I could probably do a little leg work and track down the answer but the beauty of this piece, at least for me, is the ability to write most of it right off the top of my head.

I do remember, for the most part, how it is we became friends. I used to tangle with another friend of mine, a guy who is actually a personal friend and someone I know, ad nauseam. I don't remember the exact post or even the subject matter, but I remember my friend spouting something I thought was complete nonsense. Due to the fact it was his wall the majority of people that commented agreed with his view, whatever that happened to be. When I finally decided it was time to bow out of the lion's den I offered a challenge to anyone commenting or reading the thread to "friend" me if they wanted to see how the intellectual people on my wall engaged in conversations. David was the only person to take me up on that offer. Ironically, my other friend is no longer on my friends list and, in fact, is invisible to me on Facebook, literally. It's the darndest thing.

The first thing that became apparent about David is his deep faith. He identifies himself as a Calvinist on his info page and I totally agree that is what he is. It's always wonderful when someone else agrees with what you think you are. This essay will have very little to do with religion other than this setup of how his Calvinistic views influence his philosophy on all of his other views.

Calvinism is a reformation on, mostly, the Catholic Church. It actually seems a tad limiting because of the name but the movement was large and encompassing. It truly was motivated by a large group of people that simply interpreted The Bible differently than the Roman Catholic Church. There are several, normally listed as five points, ideas that separate the Calvinists from the other denominations.

The idea of "total depravity" basically means man is born into sin. Beyond that, man is enslaved to sin and cannot, on his own, be anything better than that. Man desires to seek his own best interest and it isn't natural to want to obey God's will. The next idea focuses on "unconditional election". This means there is nothing you have done or can do that will change if you were chosen or not by God to be saved. "Irresistible Grace" is somewhat along the same lines and is explained like this: "God's Holy Spirit cannot be resisted. However, the Holy Spirit graciously causes the elect sinner to cooperate, to believe, to repent, to come freely and willingly to Christ." Paraphrased by me: God makes you who you are and what you do but you, if you are lucky enough to be chosen by no doing of your own, will feel like you did this by your own free will. "Limited Atonement" is the idea that the message sent by Christ was meant for a select group. It is workable for everyone, but it wasn't intended to be delivered for everyone. Which actually makes sense since God has already chosen who will be saved and damned. The last of the five points involves the idea of the "perseverance of the saints" and basically claims those that break from God were never really with God in the first place or they will return to God. Convenient way of looking at things.

I threw in a couple of observations but I truly tried to represent the reformed view of Christianity in a fair light. To be candid, this way of looking at The Bible makes the most sense to me. There are plenty of things I take exception to but I can understand how they connect the dots. It actually takes on the dynamic of predestination and answer it in the most honest fashion of any of the other Christian interpretations. It's not a pleasing answer and I give a lot of credit for a religion to stick to their guns and not just appease. It's also consistent with their view that it isn't natural for man to want to do anything but serve himself. Predestination doesn't really allow for the individual needs. God chose you or didn't and your wants and desires are animalistic, evil, and not godly. It's my observation David C. Moyer believes all of the tenets of Calvinism.

David's faith isn't in your face, so to speak. David's opinions are in your face. His opinions are molded by his faith but he doesn't ram his faith down your throat, he rams his opinions down your throat. That's a subtle, but significant, difference. And, it's not what his faith leads him to believe that causes the most issues for him when tangling with people on my wall, it's how his faith has created a perfect environment for him to be "chosen" and rarely (notice I didn't say never) wrong. He comes across as smug to those who disagree with his views. If he was selected by God to enjoy eternal bliss then how could he not be arrogant at some level?

Even with our differences in theological beliefs, it is still possible for David and me to search out common ground on an array of issues that affect all of us. I think this is possible, at least on my end, because I understand what motivates David. His propensity to fire people up on my wall or to downright sound delusional to others is alright by me. He doesn't harbor completely insane views (conceding people that believe in a magic being existing in another dimension that has predetermined my eternal fate isn't crazy - it is what it is) and have ideas that are exclusive to David C. Moyer. The vast majority of time David represents a very large sample of our population regardless of his particular side on any given issue. Even more important than that, he's able to clearly explain how he reasons through things. That trait is invaluable to all of us.

David is a great sport. I'm very confident he understands the dynamic when he takes on a particular stance on one of my posts. Just as I know I'm more than likely going to be in the minority when I bang my drum on David's post, I'm sure he knows what he's in for when he enters my den. I know I have made a couple of fans on David's wall and I'm sure he's probably gained more of a fan base from my friends list. I threw out a challenge for those interested in intellectual and meaningful conversations to join my army and he's been a great soldier.

David's a skeptic. Not so much when it comes to some of the oddities in the universe that he's willing to have faith in, but mostly about man's ability to understand things. I'm down with that, seems reasonable. He comes across as a "know it all" or arrogant or abrasive at times. I'm down with that too, he means well. He has strong opinions about his faith but he really seems to walk to walk more than most. I'm totally down with that, refreshing.

It would be so easy to narrow down our friends list to only people that shared all our views. Well, it wouldn't be that easy for other reasons but theorectically it would be easy and something most of us would do if it weren't for the other complications. However, if we chose to enact that option then we would limit ourselves and our ability to see and understand the world around us. I plead with people to think about their views and walk them down the line a view steps before marrying them. Draw your own conclusions but use some form of reason and leave a trail of breadcrumbs so we can come find you when you get lost. Rely on intelligence to guide you and those around you when forming opinions or making decisions. David brings all of this to the table and I love him for it.

Lastly, I want to address David's demeanor when frolicking on my playground or handling me when I'm peeing on his parade on his home court. It doesn't seem like the guy ever gets mad or takes things to heart. I really appreciate that. I know it seems to others that I'm often angry or upset when I'm engaging in a discussion. Believe it or not I can't remember a time when I've gotten upset from a conversation on Facebook. I participate for my own sanity and not to torment myself. I suspect David is in the same camp. He has very strong views about some very controversial issues. A lot of people do. However, he's intelligent and has given thought to his opinions. Obviously, I don't agree with some of them and we go toe to toe from time to time, but never does it cross my mind that I'm dealing with an idiot on the other end of the discussion, no matter how much I disagree with him.

If you've followed some of my lengthy battles you'll notice I try very hard to thank the other person when the discussion starts to wind down. David has received more of these thank yous than most people. In part that's due to his willingness to partake in the dialogue. But, another factor is his great sportsmanship. I'm not attacking him personally nor harbor ill will toward him when I'm trying to destroy one of his worldviews. I'm very confident this guy, despite some of his self professed oddities, is a solid dude. He's got a great looking family and he sincerely tries to be a positive influence in his community. He writes his congressman. He meets his congressman. He donates time and money to those in need. He finds a way to at least try to make a positive difference in people's lives. He posts his views on Facebook and is willing to discuss them. He comments on others views and is willing to entertain other ideas, even if he is seldom convinced to change his view. He's admitted he's been wrong about things from time to time. He'll break ranks and take a counter position from the average party loyalist. He's a realist and will shoot you as straight as he sees it. I wish I had more friends on my friends list like David C. Moyer.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

For Whom The Bell Tolls

Intelligence doesn't have a universal definition. We all seem to understand what it is and we also seem to understand there are different types of intelligence. Some people might be incredibly intelligent when it comes to using logic and reason to problem solve but they might have little emotional or social intelligence. Some people have the entire package. The vast majority of people have an average amount of intelligence. And some people have very little or none. It all falls within the Bell Curve.



The Bell Curve, not the book, is a pretty amazing thing. Pretty much everything can be described by it's placement on the Bell Curve. If we imagined all of the people that have ever played baseball in their life and placed them on the Bell Curve, based on how good they were at the sport, then we would find the overwhelming amount of people that could simply put on a glove and throw and catch the ball with moderate success would make up the largest portions of the curve. On the left edge (with the the spectrum ranging from horrible to great) would be the people that are in harms way when they try to play a sport of any kind. On the right edge would be most upper level, organized players, with the farthest part of the edge housing the professionals. We could even break it down further and place all of the Major League players on their own Bell Curve and the vast majority of them would take up the largest portions of the Curve and the truly great hall of famers would be found on the right edge of the curve. This can be done for just about anything known to us.

The book, The Bell Curve, was published in 1994. The thing the authors were actually measuring and trying to quantify was intelligence. The authors conducted an analysis of a long running study performed by The United States Labor Bureau. The book was controversial for several reasons. It dabbled in the idea of different levels of intelligence based on race. It made policy and social recommendations that were bold and abrasive. The book received its fair share of criticism. The most severe critiques accused the authors of waging a campaign against welfare and immigration and even the justification to embrace racism. However, there were many parts of the book that were accepted by respected authorities in the field of psychology. The American Psychological Association formed a task force to look into the validity of the book and ended up backing several of the authors' claims. They also didn't support some of the claims, especially those dealing with race, but they didn't throw out the baby with the bath water; they used the stuff that was considered sound.

It's an engaging read, regardless if you agree with some of the claims. It makes you think hard about some ideas. One claim made by the authors warns of the following:
"...those with high intelligence...are becoming separated from those with average and below-average intelligence, and that this is a dangerous social trend with the United States moving toward a more divided society..."

I'm not endorsing the book. Simply the idea of measuring intelligence with a number seems off to me. Theoretically it might be possible to assign a number someday to measure this thing we call intelligence, but when we still can't accept a universal definition of the concept then I feel uneasy ranking it in this fashion. I have no idea how to do it but it just seems like we still have so much to learn about the brain before we can feel confident in our exact numbers. This doesn't mean that it's not possible to test for intelligence and identify it at some level. It simply means I'm skeptical of the accuracy of the assigned number, not the implication of the number. If I went back in time, say five thousand years, and went to visit the weatherman he might tell me it's going to be 300 degrees tomorrow. I might not think his number is accurate but I get the point: he thinks it's going to be hot.

The authors of The Bell Curve claimed that average and below-average people of intelligence have more children than people of higher intelligence. They claimed intelligence was heritable within the range of 40 to 80%. They claimed that it has never been demonstrated that intelligence can be manipulated to a significant degree through environmental factors. They claimed the United States is in denial of these facts and a better understanding of the nature of intelligence is needed to make future policy decisions.

I can't recommend the book. I can remember reading it years ago, at a time when I was probably more in alignment with the worldview of the authors, and still feeling like it was pushing an agenda. Some of the analysis was brilliant, but when it came to forcing the data to mean what they wanted it to mean then it just became bad science. Nothing is more painful for me to read so I can't advise you to do it. However, the claims I mentioned in the above paragraph seem very relevant to me.

The first claim about generating offspring seems accurate. There are many, many factors that make this a reality and I won't take the time to get into them in detail. The second claim about the range of heritability seems acceptable. It's a wide range. In fact, it's so wide it gives me hope that environmental factors can play a significant role, even if their claim is true about it never being demonstrated as of yet, in influencing intelligence. Finally, their last claim of the denial and need for better understanding seems completely valid.

Discussing the topic of breeding is worthy of its own essay. It's complicated at many levels. However, it's pointless until we grasp the other claims and come to terms with them. Regardless of who is breeding and at what rate, the authors claim people only inherit part of their intelligence from their genes. If it's at the upper end at 80% that still leaves 20% of people's intelligence to be molded and influenced from outside factors. If it's in a lower range of 50%, that's not even the bottom end of the presented range, then that's wonderful. Half of a person's intelligence can be influenced by something other than their genetic makeup. They claim that it hasn't been demonstrated that environmental factors influence intelligence in a significant way, but how can it not?

If a certain percentage of our intelligence is made up of something other than our biological traits then what else could it be other than environmental factors? Even if one argues some influencing factors could be attributed to mutation or random acts then I would counter that's environmental influences. The fact that something didn't do exactly what we thought it would and acted randomly or mutated is a byproduct of our environment. That's how the universe seems to operate. That's how things survive and exist within it. Ninety-nine point nine-nine-nine percent of the time those mutations and random acts of deviation are fatal. However, the environment of the universe is accepting of those events if they prove worth in the battle against entropy.



Even though we still have much to learn about our brain, it seems we understand it is a learning machine. We might not know the exact horsepower of any given brain on the planet but we still work off of the premise that its function is to learn. From the moment the brain enters the world it begins to try to understand its environment. It's an amazing process to observe, as any of you with children can attest. So much absorption is taking place in a relatively quick amount of time. The brain learns to walk and talk, many languages if we encourage it (environment), and function on its own. It is constantly learning. It absorbs the stories people tell one another (environment) and gains the experience without experiencing the actual experience, an amazing feat in the venue of learning.

If we accept the reality there are probably more below-average to average intelligence brains than above-average and beyond intelligence brains entering our country each day and we accept the premise that we can potentially influence the brain, possibly up to 60%, environmentally then we're all in this together. Being able to influence intelligence in a significant way environmentally and then passing it on genetically would lead to an exponential boom in intelligence if we simply made it a priority. It doesn't matter if you're smart and you have a couple of kids and you teach them the ways of the world to your satisfaction. If the world,  and specifically the country, is going to be molded by people of lesser intelligence then your child's future is far more at risk than it would be if intelligent people were shaping the future.

If we can't come together to protect our offspring and provide them with the best possible place to live then what could we ever come together on? How can we ensure they have the best opportunity to succeed in life if we don't rely on intelligence to guide our decisions now? By encouraging intelligence, by demanding intelligence, by leading with intelligence then we are working hard to create an environment that is suitable for our children to inherit. Instead of striving to exist on the far edge of the Bell Curve, in all areas of life, why not change the dynamic within the Curve? We want to escape from our fellow man. We want to get smarter, make more, move away, gate up our community, hang out with those just like us and live as far away from the people in the middle of the Curve as possible. Why not strive to make the vast majority of the people in the Curve better neighbors? It's a disconnect.

I've stated this many times before and I mean it sincerely when I say it again: I don't have many answers. All of my eggs are in one basket and that is encouraging us to figure out how to best coexist with one another. That can only be done if we work to create an environment that encourages intelligence and relies on this intelligence to help us problem solve and direct our path. How could we want our course to be routed in any other way?

We have to be able to intellectually discuss what we are, what we've been, and what we want to be. Decisions have to be based on reflection, introspection, and vision. We can't rally to the edges of the Curve every time we try to solve a shared problem. We have to be smart enough to understand the solution needs to evolve from the place where most people exist, the bulk of the Curve. When we fail to make this our reality and settle for less simply for our own personal comfort then we obviously aren't smart enough to understand how we are all connected and share the same space in the Curve. We aren't smart enough to understand that we play a role, however big or small it may be, in every horrific event across this land because it is us that creates our environment.

If it were simply a matter of us, the ones who have failed to encourage the one thing that made us so special - intelligence, reaping what we've sowed then that would be one thing. However, when we fail our offspring and contribute to the average to below-average brains entering the world then we should be ashamed of ourselves. We can't make the world a perfect place. We can't avoid unwanted outcomes at times. We can't avoid pain when reality deals us harsh circumstances. But, we can give ourselves and, more importantly, our offspring the best possible odds.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Meet The New Boss...

I'm not usually awake around the noon hour but yesterday was different. I happened to have my television on a program on MSNBC when they broke in for a special report from the parent company, NBC, and it was done by the main man, Brian Williams. I immediately start guessing a million different things as to what the announcement could be. I found myself extremely let down to learn it was simply Susan Rice withdrawing her name for consideration for the Secretary of State position President Obama will fill very soon. That's breaking news worthy of a program interruption?

I have zero inside knowledge of what's going on when it comes to the matter of President Obama's thought process on his soon to be Cabinet member. However, I have a hunch this is all just a political stunt designed to play out better for the Democrats than the Republicans.

Susan Rice found herself on the hot seat after the Benghazi incident. This happened at a time when most people sensed Obama was probably going to win the presidency again and Romney just didn't have what it would take to defeat the incumbent. The Benghazi tragedy provided the desperate right the opportunity to go on a witch hunt and try to put a chink in the shiny foreign and military policy armor of Obama. It certainly seems like there were mistakes made when it comes to protecting the ambassador and the three others that were killed. It also seems like there was some confusion in the immediate aftermath of the ordeal as to exactly what went down. However, it just didn't seem as corrupt and diabolical as those on the right were trying to paint it.

Susan Rice was and is our Ambassador to The United Nations. It is rumored she was near the top of Obama's list to replace Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State. Because Susan Rice made the rounds on the weekend news circuit and seemed to be inaccurate about some of the details a few days after the incident she became the target of the hail mary pass being attempted by the right wing. High profile leaders of the GOP were "shocked" someone of Rice's stature would even appear on the Sunday morning talk shows. What a hypocritical and nonsensical position to hold. I could go on and on about the right wing and their idiotic and dire tactics used at all costs to try to gain power, but what I really want to focus on is the politics of the left.

First of all, the fact that Rice was the one making the rounds immediately after the incident should have been an issue with people, especially those looking to have an issue. Why Rice? I suspect it wasn't Hillary Clinton because the administration knew things might not go well. I doubt it was because Hillary had a long week and was "tired".

Secondly, this magically, right before our eyes, turned from grilling Rice on Benghazi to having public hearings on the acceptance of Rice as a possible nomination for Secretary of State. How did that happen you ask? Well, Obama won the election and no one really cared about Benghazi anymore, as if they ever did. Those that were looking to bash Obama for any reason at all just shifted gears and kept Rice as their punching bag.

Next, if President Obama wanted to actually nominate Rice for his Cabinet and replace Hillary then I find it unpatriotic to "withdraw from consideration". Shouldn't the President be the one that decides if you are fit to serve the country in this capacity? If I were just sitting here in my man cave, no desire to publicly serve my country, and I received a call from Obama's team (or any President) and they informed me they were considering me for a position then I doubt I would withdraw my name. Even if I was the most unqualified and worst person for the spot, I still think I would let the President make that decision. I might tell him my concerns and explain to him I think he's looking for a different Jason Hedrick (I'm the dude), but I can't imagine withdrawing my name from consideration. Is that even possible?

What seems more likely, just a hunch, is Obama wasn't going to select Rice for the position. If he just announces a different nomination and leaves the Rice "controversy" hanging then that can be spun as a victory by the right. They could take it to mean Obama agreed with them and didn't think Rice was qualified. They could take it to mean Obama was afraid to fight this confirmation battle with them. However, if Rice withdraws from consideration then that solves that problem.

I also think this is a strategy to make the Republicans the losers in the public arena. The right will still spin this as a victory. The only problem in this scenario is they look like assholes. The left can paint the picture that Rice was totally qualified and possibly our best option but the jerk wads on the right were bullies and prevented that from happening. I totally admit this is quite clever and probably a good play, but it's not change; it's politics as usual. Sure, the Obama team is very smart and they seem to always be one step ahead of the ignorant hijackers of the Grand Old Party, but just because this team is very good at politics doesn't mean it's change.

I honestly believe President Obama will most likely go down in history as one of our best presidents. It's way too early to make good predictions about how future generations will view this period, but I'm confident his many accomplished feats will be viewed positively. Having stated that, I confess I find myself let down by his tenure. Not for any of the policies he's enacted or supported, but because the change he offered didn't really end up being something I can believe in.

I've always been a Dr. Ron Paul guy. I'm the first to admit the dude is anchored to some nutty positions and his strict Libertarian prescription isn't the remedy for all our ails, but he was change. Washington would have changed in some way if Paul would have won the presidency. I don't even know how but it would have.

I'm a realist. I suspect President Obama is a very bright guy and he probably is doing the best he can given the circumstances. But, this still disappoints me. This tells me he has assessed the situation and this is the best option. This is why he'll be viewed as one of the great ones. When future historians study the charts and examine the facts they'll clearly be able to spot a turning point in our nation during Obama's terms. Despite the fact that people are tired of hearing it, Obama did inherit a mess. He did a lot right to turn things around and get us headed back in the right direction. And, he did it with nothing but opposition from one party. Still, he's just a really good leader and talented at politics. I don't see the change.


Thursday, December 13, 2012

Tight Ends

I've always been a fan of simulation video games. Even the sports games these days have huge elements of simulation. The college football game I play is far more than simply playing a game of football. It tasks me with actually running the entire program: recruiting, training, scheduling, depth charts, staff decisions, conference preferences, Heisman campaigns, uniform designs, stadium upgrades, and redshirting the players. At the beginning of the season I might end up with too many guys on my roster. I'm allotted 70 players and often times I have to cut about ten players before advancing due to the fact I've over recruited.

Now it would seem that if one purchases a football game then they would probably find the most joy actually playing a game of football. However, to achieve the ultimate level of satisfaction one must invest in the infrastructure of the franchise to truly thrive and succeed. Every single category I listed above in regard to the program has to be addressed and examined and a strategy has to be implemented in every area. It is possible to skip over all of the elements and just get to the game but the end result would be left to chance. Having a subpar team or struggling every step of the way or losing wouldn't be fun to me. My happiness, when it comes to playing this game, hinges on winning when my team takes the field. I can't leave that to chance so I spend the necessary time in all of the other areas to give myself the best odds of winning.

The one area I want to examine in greater detail is the moment where I must decide which players are going to make my final 70 roster. This can be a difficult process. Sometimes I'm forced to keep lesser skilled players and cut pretty good ones in order to make all the pieces fit. I have to make sure I have balance on offense, defense, and special teams. I might have recruited ten amazing quarterbacks but it does me no good to keep them all. I can only play one and I need to have a couple backups in case of injury. Another dimension to consider is the age or grade level of the players. I might cut an upperclassman that is currently rated higher than a freshman because I see potential for the younger player to be better in the future, several years later. I have to have an understanding of what I'm trying to achieve this year and in future years.

I can't help but wonder what my team would be like if I had to negotiate with the GOP over this one process, cutting my roster to size. The Republican Party would refuse to ever cut any defensive players. Even if I argued factually that my team hadn't allowed more than one touchdown in the last ten seasons and we had 50 spots on the roster taken up by defensive players they would refuse to budge one inch. I then discover the GOP has an obsession with tight ends and they don't want any on the team. I attempt to explain to them that tight ends are a necessary component in our offense and we need three on the team and they counter by refusing to field the position because it has an immoral sounding name.

The fiscal cliff negotiation process provides a window into the thought process of how we address our long term strategies. We have camps that claim they want a good "offense" or a good "defense" but they have no desire to actually take the time to address the all of the fine details that make up the bigger whole. They just want to play the game and win but despise the idea of practice and weight training and recruiting. They represent only specialty players like quarterbacks and linebackers and disregard the ordinary lineman doing all the dirty work in the trenches.

I've heard a thousand times the President demands the rich people contribute more in taxes and the GOP wants to cut entitlements. Not one time have I heard these elected officials explain in detail our overall strategy and how implementing specific proposals will achieve a wanted outcome. I hear one thought, talking points over and over again. Taxes and entitlements. Taxes and entitlements.

Let's get real. We have to pay taxes. Social Security and Medicare (our something very like them) are here to stay. You can raise my taxes to 90% if you can explain to me exactly what I will get in return and I'm comfortable with that reality. The real problem is I know my tax money is wasted and I am cynical of the people in charge of allocating my hard earned cash. I have no qualms with chipping in for our elders or our citizens in need of assistance and it makes me feel good. The real problem is I know there is so much inefficiency and mishandling of the funds that I have little faith in the systems. Don't most people feel this exact same way?

The biggest disconnect I observe when it comes to politics is our role in the situation. We don't invest in any of the details but we are quick to armchair quarterback when things don't go our way. Instead of taking responsibility for not recruiting properly or not having a forward looking vision for our program, we opt to blame the controller for not working properly and making excuses for our failures. Our politicians are our controllers. From time to time one is flawed and needs to be replaced, no doubt. However, once we decide to use the controller and put it in our hands then the outcome of the game becomes our responsibility.

Reality is all around us. It is easy to observe the views people hold on an array of issues. How often do you observe a person engage in a conversation about our future vision and leave the discussion with a changed mind? How often do you observe a person even enter a conversation with the possibility of having their mind changed? How many people do you know that want to have their mind changed? How many people do you know that have "vision"? How many people do you know that will vote according to party lines regardless of the facts? Do you think any of the answers to any of these questions affects you in any way?

This isn't just a game that we show up and play every four years. This is our life and our happiness that takes place every moment. It's all connected at every level. We have to take responsibility for our role in that process. It seems such a daunting and impossible to task to change our world. However, it happens one simple step at a time.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Choices Always Were A Problem For You: Part III

Choices Always Were A Problem For You: Part III
The final part of a three part series

The idea of free will has fascinated me for quite some time. It's fascinated man for hundreds and hundreds of years. The first time I can remember grappling with the concept involved trying to reconcile an omnipotent God knowing if I ended up in Heaven or Hell at the end of my life.

Our modern God is the grandest of most previous gods. Not too long ago, relatively speaking in the near 14 billion year existence of the universe, the gods were tasked with only one or two duties. Making the Sun come up was all one god would do. Another might make it rain. One could make people fertile. Today's God can do it all. It would be an incredibly godly feat to actually have the power to create the entire universe, but today's God also has the magical ability to know the thought of every human that lives on the planet and knows the outcome of every event that will take place. Truly amazing.

This next revelation might come as a huge shocker so be warned. I was president of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes while in high school. The club didn't really exist when I entered high school. Perhaps it had in the past but it didn't when I began my four years. My wood shop teacher was brand new to the profession my freshman year and I really liked him. He just kind of brought up the idea of having the Christian athletes meet at his house and have food and talk about The Word. It was a blast. Since I was in his original group and participated regularly all four years I went to him and asked if I could list my title as the president of the group on my college applications. There wasn't really a president, it wasn't like that at all, but it looked good and he obliged. The thing that sticks with me most about those gatherings, besides the incredibly good times with good people, was how real it was. We would ask real questions about the religion and God and our adviser would answer as honestly as he could. He wasn't afraid to say, "good question, I don't know." I loved him for that.

There was nothing about the universe, to that point in my life, that had made me question my capacity to freely make decisions for myself. It was my studying of The Bible and the powers and abilities of God that first made me wonder about my destiny and my ability to do anything about it. It was my understanding that God knew every decision I would ever make and ultimately if I would "choose" to end up in Heaven or Hell. Was that really a choice I had? Who in the world would choose eternal damnation? I couldn't really choose to go to Hell, could I?

Then the miracle of prayer began to perplex me. It made me question even God's free will. Was I to believe God created me and then knew I might need Him to intervene when I asked him to with a pretty please with a cherry on top and a lifelong vow to never ever again do something I'm currently doing and He could actually alter the course and grant my wish, changing the outcome from the way it was going to resolve? If so, did He freely choose to change His own fate that He had created for me? Did He create me and then know what I would pray for in advance and know His own answer to my question? What choices did I control in any of these scenarios? Which choices did God control? And which God, the one that originally set my fate or the one that answered my prayers to change my fate or is that the same God and if so could He have "chosen" a different answer to any of my prayer requests? It was all very complicated to me. I thank religion for that experience. It played an enormous part in creating a sense of clarity in me and my approach to the universe. I was far simpler and less complicated than the requirements for believing in God.

I mentioned in the second piece of this series that letting go of the necessity for a god, and The God, was very liberating. It seems to me in my experience that most people who teeter on the verge of giving up on the idea of God are most tormented by the afterlife. It scares them. For some of my closest friends the thought of not existing at all scares them more than Hell. This wasn't an obstacle for me. The biggest hurdle was accepting that I might be on my own, in control of my own destiny in THIS existence. When I came to terms with that then the true feeling of liberation occurred. Instead of the instructions to life being carved in stone (literally), everything was now wide open. I was in control of me. I could only pray to myself now when I needed to face one of the many challenges life would inevitably present me. I was God. Not the God that has all of the magical powers we prescribe to him, but God of me and my journey.

Years later when I would discover the ability to actually acquire quiet time in my head and silence my mind then I began to scrutinize my new god. All of the gods of the past were only needed because of the unknowns of the time. My god came with some unknowns as well. My first real question of this god was where did It exist? I know where it feels like It exists, somewhere behind my eyes kind of floating around in my head. But there is no "real", physical thing that exists that we are aware of. That troubled me. My god was kind of magical too. This god existed in some other dimension, yet simultaneously existed in my head and could control my actions and was me. I (and billions of other people) had created my own personal Trinity. That also became complicated to me.

Many people that seek out enlightened states search out techniques and try to have some idea what they're getting into. My experiences with silencing my mind were created by happenstance. I wasn't looking for anything. I just happened to arrive at this place where I was totally functioning, far better than normal, and not giving any thought to it at all simply by chance. The experience was truly indescribable. It made me question what was happening and how I could function without consciously making decisions. In fact, if I dared make a decision or even think about making one then that experience would instantly come to an end.

Just as I had once questioned my first God about His ability to actually change the course of actions, I now began to apply the same questions to my current God. What power did I actually possess that could alter the forces of nature? Was I to believe I was this magical spirit energy that could "will" things to happen? Could I choose to be an alcoholic? Could I choose to kill myself? Could I choose to molest young boys? None of these things I seemed capable of, I couldn't make them happen. My powers were limited; I couldn't do all things. Maybe my god couldn't do anything. Again I had lost faith in my God and I felt liberated.

There are other animals we share the planet with that have developed forms of language. Even though their library of words isn't as sophisticated as ours, they are still capable of passing on knowledge to one another. Knowledge. Elephants and dolphins and some higher primates share many of the thoughts we share. They are an entity that took a different path than us but have developed many of the same skills, although it's in their own way. When an imprisoned orangutan can devise and plan his escape do we think it "willed" its actions? Do we think that animal has the same abilities to make conscious choices as we do?

What makes us unique is the complexity of our brains. We are unaware of anything in the universe as complex and powerful when it comes to "thinking". But the day is coming when there will be things more powerful than our brains. I don't know what that day will bring when we create that technology, but I do know that what will make it more powerful than our brain is its processing power.

We don't believe animals have "souls" that control their actions; we think we're special. Why would we be? Organic and non-organic things in this universe seem to share the trait of trying to learn. It might be different for a rock or a plant or an elephant, but all things seem to operate on the principle of becoming more knowledgeable about their environment. Obviously the "decision" making process of a rock isn't very complex compared to that of a human brain, but it has decided to be a rock. There are a lot, millions and billions, of molecules and atoms that have joined together in the form of a rock to exist as long as possible. Somehow they figured out that they have a much longer lifespan when they join together to make a rock than they do when they battle entropy alone in the universe. So is true of every single thing in the universe. We are just more sophisticated than most other things, at least in our opinion.

We attribute to no other thing in the universe an ability to "will" a decision, even things we have created to do nothing but make decisions. The key word here is "will" and what it means to wish something to happen when you're human. This implies multiple options and then some outside force coming in to generate a verdict on what action shall transpire. We are certain decisions are made all of the time; we aren't certain what controls those decisions. It feels like we do, but that's just how it feels. It feels like my car is moving forward at the stop light when the car next to me is the one slowly drifting.

As I mentioned in the first piece of this series, I struggled for a long time to figure out how to share these ideas that are very meaningful to me. It's impossible and pointless to present these topics in a way that makes sense to others in the same way it makes sense to me. My solution was to present them in a way that demonstrates how they influence my life and my thought process. It might seem like these beliefs hold no room for spirituality and I would argue it's the exact opposite. When I work to silence my mind and find peace and harmony with the universe I am transcending the self. All of the false creations that plague people and hinder happiness dissolve when the self disappears. I can honestly see me in each and every person I encounter and them in me. My life is far more meaningful to me when I understand it's bigger than me and some reward I might receive in some other non-guaranteed existence. When I'm not tormented with "decisions" that I must render I find happiness. When I accept I am not special and I can only sail where the wind takes me then I find happiness.

I don't begrudge anyone that finds there own happiness in their own way. I always wish others well on that journey. I know there are more roads than one to get to that destination. I just wanted to share my journey and the fact that anyone, if even only one person, can take anything at all I've written and use it in any way to make their experience on this wonderful ride more enjoyable then that brings me happiness.

Thanks for not choosing to not read this.

Friday, December 7, 2012

I Think, Therefore...: Part II

I Think, Therefore... : Part II
Part two of a three part series

I know he never knew it, but one of my best friends provided me with the tools to view myself, and what I am, in an entirely different way than I was used to for the majority of my life. It was just a simple suggestion, nothing profound.  "Turn up the speed to hyper," he said. Those words would eventually open up an entirely new world, even universe, for me a few years later. 

The concept of consciousness is an enigma of sorts. It's truly impossible to find a universal definition of what it is. I have spent hundreds, probably thousands, of hours reading about the subject and this is my favorite quote about consciousness ...

The having of perceptions, thoughts, and feelings; awareness. The term is impossible to define except in terms that are unintelligible without a grasp of what consciousness means. Many fall into the trap of equating consciousness with self-consciousness—to be conscious it is only necessary to be aware of the external world. Consciousness is a fascinating but elusive phenomenon: it is impossible to specify what it is, what it does, or why it has evolved. Nothing worth reading has been written on it. ~ Stuart Sutherland

Although I don't agree completely with this assessment, I do think it perfectly encompasses everything about the subject matter. "Nothing worth reading" is a bit harsh but it's closer to the truth than fiction. It's actually because of the impossibility of writing anything worthwhile on the subject that I opted to do the setup piece. I needed to explain that by writing about consciousness, specifically self consciousness, and free will I wasn't attempting to bring anything new to the table that hasn't been presented for thousands of years. I wasn't attempting to convince anyone else I was right. I wasn't attempting to explain what these things are in reality. I was merely attempting to share my journey and relationship with these ideas and what they mean to mean. With that in mind I needed to share a little about me in the setup that would make the reading more meaningful and understandable. 

Rock Band is a music game. There are several different ways to play it: singing, drumming, guitaring, keyboarding. Although I dabble in a little bit of everything, my true love when playing the game is the guitar. It's nothing like playing a real guitar and I'm under no illusion it's the same thing. Basically, the notes rain down on the screen in the form of different colors and the player is tasked with hitting the right color at the right time and strumming the plastic piece that represents all of the strings of the real instrument. Even though I don't feel like I'm playing a guitar, I do feel connected to the music. The song doesn't flow and sound right if I don't do my part. 

It was the first video game, maybe any type of game, that I played that wasn't competitive for me. It was all about simply enjoying the experience. I totally admit I can understand how it can look foolish for a 40+ year old man to be playing a fake guitar to a video game from the outside,but from the inside it eventually became a very spiritual experience for me.

I have a few friends that also play the game but not many. And of those that do none of them really take on the guitar part of the game. One of my close friends, that has passed away, found the guitar to be his instrument of choice. He played the game on the top difficulty level and we would share experiences about different songs and what we thought about them. I can remember talking to him about a song that was giving me problems and he asked about the speed the notes were coming down on the screen. I told him I had the difficulty set to expert, the same as him. He asked if I was aware of a setting that would actually speed up the notes. This seemed incredibly bizarre to me because the difficulty I was having was trying to catch up to the notes in the first place. He must have meant I could find this setting and turn down the speed. "Turn up the speed to hyper," he recommended. I asked if that meant what I thought it meant and he assured me it did. 

Long before I came across Rock Band I had been searching out the notion of enlightenment. Even though I found it extremely exciting, I was always frustrated because they would never get to the point. I just wanted to read the magic words that explained how to obtain Nirvana and they would never come. The recipes always described quietness and truth and reflection but they never explained them in exact measurements and they never told you exactly what you were cooking, only that you would know you were successful if it tasted good when you were done. They then go on to confuse the issue by telling you that you can actually never be done cooking, it's a never ending slow roast. Feel free to take a test bite every now and then. If it taste good then keep cooking. 

I'm very practical when it comes to my happiness. I don't complicate it at all. As I mentioned in the first piece, I break things down when trying to understand them and then only put back in place the necessary components. When I was approaching thirty years old I happened to be facing some personal trials. It was the first time in my life I would lay in bed and not sleep because thoughts were racing through my mind. Soon the thoughts weren't my preoccupation, but thoughts about the thoughts controlling me were my interest. I realized I couldn't control the thoughts that would enter my head. They would just show up and I didn't know where they came from. I certainly didn't want them to enter my head, what I wanted was to sleep. It did seem, however, that I was in control of how long I focused on those thoughts once they entered my head. 

There is a tactic most males learn to use when they are first gaining experience in the sexual arena. When a woman orgasms that's a wonderful thing but, in most cases, it's not the end of the game. The males role in the production, in most cases, is to keep the scene going on a little longer so all of the actors can enjoy their parts. If he just enters the stage, blurts out his lines, and disregards the script all together then he probably won't receive many curtain calls. When the male is young, and sometimes even older, that is a hard task to accomplish. One thing the male does to become a better partner is actually think about something else other than the sex he is currently engaging in. And when I say something else, I mean something completely different that has nothing to do with sex at all. This may all seem a little silly but it was because of this skill I had developed, sidetracking my thoughts, that I was able to eventually get a good night's sleep at a time in my life where I was facing difficulties and needed rest the most. 

I decided that I would immediately think of something else when a troubling thought entered my head. Obviously, this took time to work. It was a form of conditioning. With discipline I discovered I could actually train my brain to recognize laying down as a time to shut down and not a time to get my attention. To this very day I sleep like a baby (when I say baby I mean a good baby that sleeps all night, not one of those cry babies that keeps everyone up all night).I take my happiness very seriously. I won't be a victim of chance when it comes to enjoying this ride if I can help it. Things popping into my head without my say so is chance. If my sleep, which plays a part in my happiness, is left to chance then my happiness is partially left to chance. This didn't seem like a necessary component to put back in place so I didn't.  I require very little sleep and my friends can attest to this fact. When my head hits the pillow I spend no more than a couple of minutes falling to sleep. I sleep great. I'm human and I have problems just like everyone else. I have things that could keep me up at night if I allowed them to, but I don't. 

I didn't know it at the time but that sleeping technique I created for myself was probably my first experience with "quietness". And it was something I would experience everyday of my life from that moment on, a little slice of Nirvana. It wasn't until I began to experience more "quiet" time later in my life that I began to put the pieces together. It seems odd that a tactic of thinking of a different thought than the one that first entered my mind would ultimately lead to no noise at all, but that's exactly what happened. My thought was just meant to be a distraction to my other thought, not something I really cared to think about. Eventually the original thought just gave up and I no longer needed to generate a thought to battle the other thought. It was now quiet when I went to bed. There were no thoughts at all. I was awake still but there was no internal dialogue taking place. It's an unfamiliar place, even when you've been there before. But it's a place you always yearn to visit again; it's surprisingly peaceful. 

Even though I was unaware of any of this at the time I was devising a tactic to get sound sleep, it seems clear now I was observing thoughts in my head that were just that, thoughts. They weren't me, they were just thoughts. The me wanted to sleep and the thoughts got in the way. I say I created another thought to counter the unwanted thought but a better description would be like imagining you trying to say something to me and me saying mah na mah na (like the Muppets), mah na mah na, mah na mah na over and over again just to make noise and show you I'm not listening to you. I'm not really saying anything, nor do I have a point to my words other than to show you it's pointless for you to continue. So who was I in the sleep drill? I wasn't the thought that popped into my head and kept me awake. I created a thought (or so it seems) to distract the other thought but I'm not really that thought. I'm the thing observing this battle. When I later understood this and could view all thoughts in this fashion then I truly was on the verge of controlling my overall happiness at a substantial level. 

Years after my trying situation my worries in life were of much less magnitude. The biggest concern I was facing about five years ago was how to play the really tough songs on Rock Band without struggling so much. The advice given to me by my friend was very counterintuitive. The notes were already coming at me so fast I couldn't play them and he wanted them to come at me faster. It's like starting another conversation on top of a conversation to create quietness. 

I followed his advice and cranked up the speed. This one goes to Hyper. At first it was even more difficult. However, over time it did make things easier. Eventually I conquered songs that I couldn't finish before speeding up the notes. But why?

I'm pretty sure my buddy that made the recommendation didn't catapult his experience into an enlightened approach to life, but I am very confident he understood the tactic he was using when he opted to have the notes sped up. He was creating silence. He didn't have time to think about things; he just had time to react. There were no thoughts in his head when he was playing, at least not when he was playing well and "in the zone". We've all experienced these moments throughout our life. We see others experience them, especially in the sporting arena. They don't even have to be monumental feats. They are just those moments where you can't do anything wrong and you know the second you start thinking about what you're doing then you're going to screw it all up. Those that have achieved great things have made that moment last longer than our normal experiences. 

I had played the game for a long time and had peaked out. I followed the advice and I discovered the silence my friend must have discovered. The game eventually became a tool to measure my "in synchness" with the universe. There are songs that I can absolutely play to perfection when I can clear my head, when I can let reality come at me and I just roll with it and do what I do. However, I can play the same songs on different days and find difficulty in certain spots. At this point in the process I can tell when those days are without even playing the game. I can sense when my thoughts are trying to dictate my reality and refuse to remain silent. It is at these moments when I find myself most out of synch with the universe, my energy. I now can use the game as a therapy session to feel a more positive energy and experience a sense of harmony with everything and clear my head of all the thoughts that have created this negative vibe. The vibe doesn't exist anywhere except inside my head. I know this to be true.

There are many gaps in the story of how I got from there to here. That was intended. Filling in the gaps is pointless and won't provide any more clarity. However, I'm quite happy to talk about where here happens to be for me at this point in my life. Here is a place that allows me see that I am not simply the thoughts in my head. Even when those thoughts don't exist I am still here. I am now able to get to a quiet place with a lot more frequency. It is here that makes me happy. 

I know this place is hard to understand for most people. I know that even those that can grasp the idea of quietness can't apply it in a real or practical way to their lives. On top of that, most people don't think they would want to even after they say they understand it. If they ever experienced the silence I'm confident they wouldn't feel that way any longer. I'm also very confident most people will never do anything more than leave their happiness to chance. 

For several years of my life I believed in Santa Claus. I'm sure my experience of discovering this was a hoax to control my naughty and niceness was similar to most. At the end of the day, even though there is initial shock and disappointment from this new reality, one is left with a feeling of liberation, even at a very young age. For many years of my life I believed in God. When those thoughts were no longer who I was and served as the controlling principle in my life I, again, felt liberated. Longer than I held any of those thoughts about what I was and how my life functioned, I held the thought that I was my thoughts. Again I was liberated when I discovered the hoax. Every day I wake up and put the necessary pieces into to place to experience this journey and I feel no need to put any of these things back into the equation. They complicate things.

My motivation for believing the universe is how it is isn't due to wishful thinking. If I could have it my way it would be a way different place. I simply seek to find out how it is so I can have the best experience possible. The more I learn about my place in the universe and what I am then the more likely I can eliminate things others leave to chance when it comes to happiness. 

The opening lines from the movie Adaptation summarize my thoughts on the sense of self...

Charlie Kaufman - Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier, my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way overdue. If I stop putting things off, I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat I would be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more, improve myself. What if I learned Russian or something? Or took up an instrument? I could speak Chinese. I'd be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that? Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly though. Nothing's gonna change that. 

These lines found a little later in the movie are a teaser on my journey with free will ...

John Laroche - Look, I'll tell you a story, all right? I once fell deeply, you know, profoundly in love with tropical fish. Had 60 goddamn fish tanks in my house. I skin dived to find just the right ones. Anisotremus virginicus, Holdacanthus ciliaris, Chaetodon capistratus. You name it. Then one day I say, "fuck fish". I renounce fish. I vow never to set foot in that ocean again. That's how much "fuck fish".

Monday, November 26, 2012

The Setup: Part I

The Setup: Part I 
Part one of a three part series

We all have things about us that others find interesting, if they find us interesting at all. It can be jobs, stories, experiences, attitudes, approaches, etc... The things that others seem to question me about usually involve formerly being a cop, playing poker, and a few of the non-traditional positions I take on various subjects.

Two topics that continually run through my mind and dictate almost every attitude I hold on any subject deal with our sense of self and the notion of not actually having free will. Just like most things in life, these topics are very intertwined in my head but they are certainly their own entity and worthy of discussion. However, I've never really taken on the task of discussing these subjects because it seemed impossible for me to lay it out in a way that would convey any meaningful message.

I don't feel my talent is writing in any sense. I'm extremely thankful I loved my typing class in high school and learned the trade. It certainly makes writing my pieces easier. However, I labor at a lot of levels when it comes to putting down my thoughts in text. The first battle takes place simply trying to figure out what style I'm going to use to tell the story. I might know I'm going to write about a specific subject but I create a few different scenarios in my head and run them through several dress rehearsals, usually for days, before even beginning to actually write about the subject. Sometimes I even get about halfway through writing it and then nix it and go a different route. When I actually sit down and take the time to write the piece it usually takes a couple hours (one piece took about four hours -Kukulkan in the Sky With Diamonds- and another took about six hours- He Ain't Heavy, He's A Hologram). I'm not naturally a good speller and have to constantly look up everything. I know I make all kinds of errors in grammar but know most people don't know the rules any better than I do. I don't mention any of that other than to point out the fact I don't think I'm blessed at writing.

My ability, in my mind, is the telling of the story in an entertaining way, hopefully, that makes the reader consider looking at a topic in a new light. Rarely can you catch me offering up proven solutions to anything I'm discussing; mostly I'm simply asking, whether it's interpreted that way or not, others to question certainty. The two things I have wanted to write about and share more than any other deal with consciousness and free will and I've been unable to address them because I've never been able to come up with a template for conveying the message. Finally, I feel like I have an acceptable plan for allowing me the sanity to author the pieces I need to author. I had to break it up into segments and give each one it's due time.

It might seem so simple from the outside. "Just write a piece about self awareness and write a piece about free will," you say. I wish it was that easy for me. I could sense it didn't feel right to just simply write about the subjects but couldn't pinpoint what made me uneasy. It seems I've discovered I felt the need to author a setup piece prior to discussing the two topics that occupy so much of my thoughts.

When I was fairly young I was aware others thought I was smart. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't recognized as a genius or anything, I was just placed in the programs that identified seemingly bright kids. I never felt smart though. I didn't feel dumb either, but I didn't think I was all that smart. I knew smart kids and they seemed way smart to me in a ways I wasn't. They knew so much and could figure out so many things that were beyond me. I got good grades but other kids got good grades too. I never invented anything and was always disappointed that I wasn't creative enough to come up with something to enter into the science fair. I was pretty good in math but there was always a tier of kids that were higher than me all through my schooling. English wasn't my specialty and I hated to read. I found history boring. I just didn't feel like a smart kid.

As I entered my teen years and journeyed through high school I came to terms that I was "a different kind of smart" than the other smart kids. All of the same things were true about me from my elementary days in regard to my likes and dislikes of subjects and externally being viewed as smart but internally feeling like I wasn't as smart as it seemed. But as I aged I began to understand that it was how I looked at things that separated me in the intellect department. (If any of this sounds terribly conceited or arrogant be sure to tune into parts two and three where I discuss the ego and free will and relinquish all responsibility for my behavior and/or abilities). I was confident at this stage that I wasn't solving problems the same way my peers were. I had no idea what that difference was but I knew I didn't come to the same solutions they did traveling the same route. My very close friends were all really smart. I was always the "funny and crazy guy", never the smart one. I could compete with them and challenge them in games of intellect but I rarely won. I knew they were processing and retrieving information differently than me, I was observing it.

I can honestly say that it has been relatively recently, perhaps the last five years, that I finally realized enough about myself to understand how I think about things and how that is different than others I know. It has been my observation that the very bright people I'm around are very good at putting things together building upon a foundation and moving upward. They know and understand things and then they pile on another level of understanding. This is followed by another floor of understanding and then another. Finally, when we look at their buildings of knowledge we see the bright people have a few more floors than other people. They just know more.

I'm sure I'm not alone but I seem to work counter to this when I process information. I tear things down. I gaze at each floor and ask if it's necessary and true. I seek simplicity. I don't need a skyscraper to understand something; I only need to know the ground on which it is being built. If the ground is solid I know all I need to know. The elimination, in my head, of some very traditional loops in which society seems to process information places me in a spot where I often don't share a common reality with my fellow man. Those that live in towers built upon floor after floor of information, whether that information is "true" or not, don't like the idea of someone like me questioning whether their building is stable. If they have a structure of lie built upon lie built upon lie, even the removal of one floor can be a threat.

This isn't to say that however one operates and processes information is better than another way; they are just different. It's certainly possible to be a very intelligent person by building with knowledge and being the architect of a sturdy and towering structure. As I've mentioned, it seems like the bright people I know work this way. I bring up the different approaches because I'm aware it makes communication between the camps (the builders being the vast majority and the tear it downers being the small minority) difficult at times.

I think it is this gap that has caused me apprehension when discussing my views, in detail, about the ego and free will. This first piece (Part I) is a bridge for me. I needed to lay the groundwork of how I tick and why these ideas about these subjects are considered in my mind. I don't come in and buy the building even after I'm assured by the greatest engineers everything is up to par. I come in and purchase the lot and put one floor in place once I'm confident the ground is solid. I'm afraid of heights and don't long to live in the clouds of knowledge. I crave simplicity. Those that purchase sound buildings and live in the lofts aren't incompatible with my approach. Sound knowledge is sound knowledge. However, what seems to be uncomfortable to me is those that purchase condemned buildings of knowledge and then live under the illusion everyone else's building is crumbling.

I know from many conversations I've had with people that there is very little common ground when it comes to discussing the ego and free will. It's my observation that most people have given very little thought to either of these ideas. They are fascinating subjects to a lot of people but they enjoy the illusions and don't want to know how the trick really works, it would spoil it for them. It's because of these failed conversations time and time again that I knew I would fail at conveying any type of message when I finally wrote about two near and dear topics to me.

I opened by talking about things that people find interesting in others. I went on to discuss my attitude about my own intellect at various stages in my life. I know from my own experience that others find it interesting that I question our sense of self and even ponder, quite seriously, the idea that we don't have free will at all. I don't have delusions of grandeur when it comes to my audience. I'm very aware of the very small amount of regular readers I have. I am very comfortable with that. It is because of that I can author setup pieces and talk about all sorts of different things because I know I'm only truly connecting with a relatively small group of people - people that appreciate how it is I think.

When I write the next piece on our sense of self it won't be an argument. Instead it will simply be a journey through my thought process. Same is true for the third piece on free will. I truly felt shackled by the inability to present these two topics in a meaningful way. I feel freed by explaining to you in the setup piece what you're in for ahead of time. These are complicated areas that affect my processing of almost all information I receive. My thoughts on these subjects are very fluid and I'm not concrete on my positions. I would estimate I operate off of the premise that our idea of what we are, our sense of self, is wrong with about a 85% confidence level. I estimate my confidence in the idea that we don't have free will is about 65%.

Trying to quantify and explain in great detail why and how these things make sense to me seemed impossible. And it probably is. What did seem possible was simply sharing the thought process and let you observe how it affects my thinking. At the end of the day I can deliver the consistent message I wish to convey - question things. I feel if I didn't take the time to author the setup piece that the obstacles would be too much to overcome. Objecting to every statement I make or simply being confused and unable to follow would hinder my success of conveying a message. I've known this all along. By reading the subsequent pieces you are agreeing to the terms and conditions.

In a perfect world I would take a break, medicate, and begin Part II. In the real world I will take a break, medicate, and take another break.